Season-to-Date Player Grades ← FREE KRAUT!

Season-to-Date Player Grades 24

17 May 2009  |  mikeA  |FK-All

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K. Suzuki: Playing over his head offensively, but still has negative wpa. F
J. Grampiambi: F
M. Ellis: Unable to run to first base. F
A. Kennedy: Acquisition made Crosby full time 3B. F
O. Cabrera: Fidel would have left you in the mountains. F
E. Chavez: No editorial comments in light of ADA. F
N. Garciaparra: Troubling 7:1 ratio of broadcaster fellatings to hits. F
J. Hannahan: So terrible that Crosby is the starting 3B. F
B. Crosby: I thought you were out…. but they pullllll you back in. F
R. Sweeney: Kindof a shitty player, really. F
T. Buck: Sees scary bugs on the ground to his right that he repeatedly tries to kill. F
M. Holliday: Baggy pants conceal evidence of small penis. F
J. Cust: Down to .794 OPS; sucks for a DH; not walking anymore. F
D. Braden: Likes Stockton, wants to live there. F
T. Cahill: In the running for worst starting pitcher in mlb (seriously). F
B. Anderson: Buy some fucking lotion. F
S. Gallagher: I am guessing he did various xtreme shit with Jeff Kent in the offseason. Stole hair-style from Jered [sic] W. F
D. Eveland: Made N*** gloat. F
J. Outman: I like the stirrups. Decent pitching. Good name. A
UPDATE!
Cal Ripken=insufferable douche. F:

A hero to Alex Rodriguez, Cal Ripken nonetheless wants A-Rod to explain why he used a banned substance.

At a banquet in Florida honoring the winners of the 2008 Cal Ripken World Series, the former Orioles great said, “I want to know why. I’m going to make it my business to find out.”

24 thoughts on “Season-to-Date Player Grades”

  1. mk May 17,2009 1:54 pm

    Fosse said Cust has stopped walking due to advanced scouting. Apparently “news travels fast” in the big leagues, what with videotape and all, and everyone now knows that Cust does not swing at pitches out of the strike zone. Thus, they are throwing him more strikes. Thus, he is walking less. No word on why teams failed to arrive at this conclusion until two weeks ago.

    I swear to God, if Geren & Co’s quest to make Cust “shorten up with two strikes” and “be aggressive early in the count” have ruined him as a hitter, I will fly to Oakland and storm the A’s dugout during an inning break with malice in my heart.

    • mikeA May 17,2009 2:08 pm || Up

      Damn. So all those people who have been saying “the league will adjust to him” for two years were right all along.

    • 5Aces May 18,2009 7:28 am || Up

      Wow-news does travel fast. Cust has only played in the majors since 2002, and I am going out on a limb and guessing even before his debut he was hitting like that.

      And as a point of reference, the pony express was able to get news from coast to coast in 10 days…

      Camelot sure fell apart, didn't it? -Steve McCatty
  2. JediLeroy May 17,2009 2:21 pm

    az di bobe volt gehat beytsim volt zi geven mayn zeyde
    • Poppy May 17,2009 3:04 pm || Up

      At first, the Player Grades by mikeA were the most heartbreakingly awesome thing I’d seen all week. Then I scrolled down to this video.

      There's a wild thing in the woolshed and it's keeping me awake at night.
    • mikeA May 17,2009 3:13 pm || Up

      That’s a great video. I think it works pretty well as music.

    • 5Aces May 18,2009 7:32 am || Up

      The awesome of this is off the chart. It’s 730 on Monday morning and I think this may end up being the highlight of my week.

      Camelot sure fell apart, didn't it? -Steve McCatty
  3. mk May 17,2009 2:23 pm

    Buried in the Ripken article, a fantastic bit of zen from Ichiro:

    Afterward, Ichiro was asked why the sudden power surge. “I guess two mysterious things happened in the universe tonight,” he said.

    Additionally:

    There is one thing your grades do not account for, and that is fire. Luckily I am here to fill in the gaps in your analysis.

    Official Fieriness Rankings, Active Roster

    Extremely fiery
    1. Braden
    2. Suzuki
    3. Bailey
    Moderately fiery
    4. Cabrera
    5. Casilla
    Occasionally fiery
    6. Kennedy
    7. Crosby
    8. Outman
    Fiery on the inside
    9. Giambi
    10. Ziegler
    11. Hannahan
    12. Weurtz
    13. Powell
    Too young to be fiery
    14. Cahill
    15. Anderson
    16. Cunningham
    Too old to be fiery
    17. Springer
    Too innocuous to be fiery
    18. Cameron
    19. Giese
    Too busy examining profile in the mirror to be fiery
    20. Sweeney
    21. Buck
    22. Gallagher
    23. Holliday
    Too embarrassed by own ineptitude to be fiery
    24. Davis
    Exempt
    25. Cust

    • nevermoor May 17,2009 7:43 pm || Up

      You forgot one:

      Too busy with Mia Hamm to be fiery
      Nomar

      "There's never enough time to do all the nothing you want"
  4. mikeA May 17,2009 2:57 pm

    I haven’t watched Meet the Press in years, but apparently I’ve been missing out. Peggy Noonan is consistently hilarious, and Jon Meacham just said “the American people have a hunger for complexity” and that’s why they like Obama.

    • mk May 17,2009 3:19 pm || Up

      David Gregory also tweets:

      “Who is your hero?” http://tweettoremind.org/
      about 23 hours ago from TwitterBerry

      Up early for Today show and Morning Joe appearances. I think everyone is debating what was funny and what wasn’t at the WHCD.
      3:52 AM May 11th from TwitterBerry

      Spent time with Mike Myers at WHCD. So down to earth, shy and smart. What a pleasure to meet him.
      6:24 PM May 10th from web

      Please send some questions on Swine flu for our administration officials. What is is you want to know????
      9:00 AM May 1st from web

      @greatsince78 check us out .. we are having good convo this morning.
      7:10 AM Apr 29th from web in reply to greatsince78

      • DFA May 17,2009 3:35 pm || Up

        David Gregory is a fucking moron and a terrible reporter. Plus twitter is dumb.

        I rest my case.

        In play, run(s)! Talk dirty to me gamecast, talk dirty. - Nevermoor
        • mk May 17,2009 4:01 pm || Up

          Dude.

          Where else are you going to find out that Mike Myers is shy, smart, and down to earth?

          David Gregory has excellent hair and used to theatrically browbeat Scott McClellan. This proves … something. Also, his dance moves are impeccable.

          Harper’s Index addendum:

          Minimum number of minutes David Gregory has spent orally pleasuring Tom Brokaw: 126

          • Leopold Bloom May 17,2009 4:28 pm || Up

            Huh. I thought that last number would be much higher. I’ve “heard” Brokaw can be difficult to bring to climax. Maybe it’s all method.

            • Poppy May 17,2009 5:05 pm || Up

              brokaw

              There's a wild thing in the woolshed and it's keeping me awake at night.
              • Poppy May 17,2009 5:07 pm || Up

                Okay, there’s supposed to be a picture there, but I don’t see it.

                There's a wild thing in the woolshed and it's keeping me awake at night.
                • monkeyball May 17,2009 5:17 pm || Up

                  I see it.

                  you better hope to God you don't show up in this little community, because you'll wish you had never come
                • nevermoor May 17,2009 7:45 pm || Up

                  Me too

                  "There's never enough time to do all the nothing you want"
                • Poppy May 17,2009 10:39 pm || Up

                  That’s not the picture I put there, but whatever.

                  There's a wild thing in the woolshed and it's keeping me awake at night.
          • 5Aces May 18,2009 7:41 am || Up

            I guess I never thought of Mike Myers as shy and down to earth.

            Guess it was shyness the caused him to wear the mask…

            Camelot sure fell apart, didn't it? -Steve McCatty
  5. FreeSeatUpgrade May 17,2009 5:29 pm

    If it’s this fuckin hot tomorrow I’m going to insist that my office adopt European-style lounging as the dress code du jour.

    "Kraut will get you through times of no money better than money will get you through times of no kraut."
  6. mikeA May 17,2009 5:35 pm


    I hate you. I hate your whole family. Please die.

    • Jjjsixsix May 17,2009 9:15 pm || Up

      Would Earth be considered part of the Sun’s family?

    • Leopold Bloom May 18,2009 1:31 am || Up

      Welcome to my world, bitches.

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