DLD 5/1/09 ← FREE KRAUT!

DLD 5/1/09 121

1 May 2009  |  mk  |FK-All

1. During the home team television broadcast yesterday, Josh Lewin dubbed the Rangers’ high strikeout rate “connectile dysfunction”.

2. Josh Beckett has a 7.22 ERA. That doesn’t have any particular relevance to the A’s, other than the fact that I always say “we” when referring to the A’s, and “I” dislike Josh Beckett intensely.

3. Now we know who to blame: f***ing Mark McGwire.

4. Work to-do items, 5/1/09:

  • Revise End Options document / resend to [redacted], [redacted]
  • Re-formulate encryption project plan, follow up with [redacted] and [redacted] (see 4/29 email from [redacted]: “FW: Project sheets.xls”)
  • Modify existing revenue share report to include monthly payment from merchant

Synopsis:

Alter Word doc and/or PowerPoint slides and/or spreadsheet such that the comically pointless bullshit contained therein looks glossier and is more dense with jargon. Strenuously avoid useful analysis of any kind. Employ charts and strategically situated column highlighting to wow project manager types, whose reactions will be akin to how a puppy behaves when he sees himself in the mirror for the first time.

In conclusion, I spent my early morning browsing baseball-reference.com. Later, I will stick it to The Man even further by taking a 70 minute lunch. Maybe I’ll go really crazy and untuck my shirt or something.

And if my boss strides over to my desk angrily waving a printout of my recent internet activity, I will tell her “Please calm down. Not only is clown pornography gaining wider acceptance as a mainstream fetish, my b-ref surfing is anything but aimless. I have pertinant data to impart, the sort of thing that will simultaneously blow your mind and reignite your passion for ballpark nachos, foam fingers, and life generally. Namely, the A’s have the lowest GIDP% in the majors.”

You may be as puzzled as my boss at this point. Well, puzzle no more:

Lowest GIDP% in AL, last four seasons:

2008: TBR (went to WS)
2007: CLE (won division)
2006: NYY (won division) / DET (went to WS)
2005: NYY (won division)

If you don’t think this means the A’s are a team of destiny, I don’t know what to tell you. This is rock solid analysis. Airtight. You cannot refute this! You can’t! Don’t even try! Don’t roll your eyes. Stop it. STOP IT. F*** you.

xbx edit:

121 thoughts on “DLD 5/1/09”

  1. Leopold Bloom May 1,2009 9:18 am

    So we’ll either win our division or go to the WS? Both sound heartbreaking, though:

    “Not only is clown pornography gaining wider acceptance as a mainstream fetish, my b-ref surfing is anything but aimless.”

    you obviously got mad skillz, son.

    • nevermoor May 1,2009 3:23 pm || Up

      It certainly makes up for the inaptly named “outman” part of the deal.

  2. nevermoor May 1,2009 9:23 am

    It’s actually interesting to see that since (you’d assume) good teams would have a lot of base-runners which, as night follows day, would lead to GIDP.

    Of course, those teams might have real-live hitters who can get the ball out of the infield, thus breaking the relationship.

    • monkeyball May 1,2009 3:28 pm || Up

      On the one hand, I like their willingness to play, nay start! the C2 at other positions; on the other hand, this probably means we’ll see a lot more of Crosby at 1B.

  3. monkeyball May 1,2009 9:27 am

    Thank goodness we’re not **, what with its no-polyptychs rule.

    • xbhaskarx May 1,2009 4:59 pm || Up

      Outman will be a fine relief pitcher, but in any case, Cardenas was always the key player coming over.

    • designatedforassignment May 1,2009 7:02 pm || Up

      I think that Outman has the potential to be a good starter think Dana Eveland in 2007. His ratios suggest he can do it. I was very happy with the Blanton trade. The Harden one is one that I thought sucked. I remember it going down and telling the campaign manager who is a Cubs fan “Congradulations, we gave you the most talented pitcher in baseball for a pile of horse shit. How are you going to screw up this time?”

  4. 74mk May 1,2009 9:36 am

    Classic moment in Free Kraut history:

    monkeyball bitterly complains that he can only say “TWSS” once per thread.

    I’m not going to lie. I squealed like a little girl when I read that. A normal person would have burst out laughing or chuckled, maybe spilled a little coffee, but not me. I’m pretty sure my co-workers think a kindergartner just got a pony for her birthday in my cubicle.

  5. monkeyball May 1,2009 9:37 am

    Since it’s dropped way down in the queue after all of yesterday’s excitement (and because I’m a vain simian), here’s a link to promulgate my first F(il)K.

  6. FreeSeatUpgrade May 1,2009 9:51 am

    This is why FK 2.0 needs a sidebar or some other way of keeping day-old posts more visible. The Recent Posts box is insufficient.

    • Leopold Bloom May 1,2009 3:43 pm || Up

      Did you tell them they could just easily learn how to sexually harass anyone with a Mac?

  7. FreeSeatUpgrade May 1,2009 10:03 am

    Re #4, Work to-do list:

    Mine, just updated as I do every morning, is 34 items long. I have a hard job. And yet, I’ve spent the entire morning alternately reading freekraut and researching the Derby field.

    I’m hoping to post a Derby Day open thread tomorrow morning in which I’ll offer a Pick Your Pony contest, and in which I will periodically post stream of consciousness babblings about whatever crosses my mind–horses, hats, and Kim Kardashian’s ass–as I grow progressively drunker on many mint juleps. And if you missed it the other day, this is a day best appreciated if you’ve recently re-read The Kentucky Derby is Decadent and Depraved.

  8. monkeyball May 1,2009 10:13 am
  9. monkeyball May 1,2009 10:15 am
    • monkeyball May 1,2009 4:01 pm || Up

      I’ve always been highly amused by the epithet “shirtlifter.”

  10. xbhaskarx May 1,2009 10:30 am

    FSU, don’t read this.

    LOST: Tim Goodman recap of The Variable.

    That a was great ending, [censored] realizing not only is he about to [censored], but that his own [censored] is responsible, that she always knew it would happen yet did nothing about it, AND that all of it means his theories are probably incorrect.

    Best TV [censored] since… Tortuga on Breaking Bad last week.

    • Leopold Bloom May 1,2009 4:03 pm || Up

      Heteros leave their shirts on, I suppose.

  11. monkeyball May 1,2009 10:35 am
  12. the dogfather May 1,2009 11:30 am

    Posting this because it’s Friday. I’ve also waded thru the comments, so you don’t have to.

    “Tally-hoe!”

    “Now if they’d only outlaw sex IN Windsor Castle.”

    “At least they got to perform before the Queen!”

    “We are not amused…”

    and my favorite:

    “I don’t care what heterosexuals do in the privacy of their own bedrooms, but do they have to rub their lifestyle in my face?”

    • chrifive916 May 1,2009 6:45 pm || Up

      As I’m sure you know, the problem isn’t the dogs, but the scumbags that train them to fight.

      You can make any dog vicious, some are just better at it than others.

    • chrifive916 May 1,2009 6:47 pm || Up

      And I think I would be sick to see Vick doing ads pretending he is sorry for doing it. the only thing I can imagine him being sorry for is getting caught, and not having Johnny Cochran alive to defend him.

  13. xbhaskarx May 1,2009 11:37 am
  14. monkeyball May 1,2009 12:30 pm
  15. monkeyball May 1,2009 12:35 pm

    OK, honestly, can anyone make head or tail of Byg Twyt?

    … Yesterday before the game, I talked to Eric Chavez and he sounded extremely resigned to heading home for tests on his sore elbow. After the game, he told me he was never really going to go home, but that he wouldn’t be able to play for at least a couple days. Tonight he was in the starting lineup, subbing in at first base for Jason Giambi’s sore hamstrings. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say Eric’s been fibbing a bit lately. But I do know better. Eric is as honest as anyone I’ve met. So I’m chalking it up to confusion, which is understandable given the health circus in which he’s been starring for the past three years or so.

    … Eric’s so honest, I had to ask him the same question about eight times last night. Why? Because if I’d have printed his first seven answers, it would have looked like he was throwing some of the injured players under the bus. What he meant to say, and finally did, was that perhaps the players coming in for the injured will come in hot and help the team. You read between those lines, do the math, and tell me if you think you get the gist of what he actually said.

    … Why would I “protect” him like that? I don’t think it’s protecting him. It’s helping him out. I knew what me meant to say; he just wasn’t putting the words together the way he’d have liked. Journalism, like any business, is about relationships.

  16. FreeSeatUpgrade May 1,2009 12:49 pm

    It’s said that his aura smiles and never frowns. One wonders if that’s still true after thieves stole two tires off of Jerry Brown’s car while it was parked in front of his Oakland hills home.

    I cannot help but laugh at the picture of the State Attorney General having suffered this ignominy. Funny, but this never happened when he lived in his Jack London warehouse.

  17. mjdittmer May 1,2009 1:05 pm

    Work-to-do items–let me play
    1) Do five lesson plans which together will make up a “unit plan”; include introduction about how the lesson plans are linked to grade level standards and will capture the attentions of English-language learners; also include a commentary/reflection on the texts used in the unit; supplementary texts, and explain how key learning tasks in my unit build on blaarrrghhhlsdfkj;
    2) Reflect upon first-ever substitute stint that happened on Wednesday, where kids ran wild, making it clear just how quickly they recognize the kind of b.s. I’m preparing above.
    3) Reflect upon how much future imaginary kids who are the object of this lesson plan will disrespect their teacher. Begin to question this whole career path.
    4) With the aid of lots of deep breathing and kleenex, recover from 2 and 3. Write a paragraph of 1.
    5) Repeat steps 2, 3, and 4 till deadline; turn collection of resultant paragraphs for partial credit.

  18. monkeyball May 1,2009 1:15 pm
  19. monkeyball May 1,2009 2:01 pm

    Chavez (or, perhaps, Nomar and Giambi) could learn a few things from this guy.

  20. monkeyball May 1,2009 3:02 pm
  21. mikeA May 1,2009 3:11 pm
  22. Jjjsixsix May 1,2009 3:40 pm

    okay, so clearly I don’t know how to use a mac.

    It’s not my fault the computer lab I usually use is being used for sexual harassment training right now.

  23. monkeyball May 1,2009 4:21 pm

    FK: the Redding of A’s blogs

  24. monkeyball May 1,2009 4:38 pm

    Hunh.

    Interesting … although this is shoddy reporting/editing (emphasis added):

    PETA … is known for shocking advertising and stunts; it has been known to throw animal blood on people who wear fur …

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