Houston cocksucker! ← FREE KRAUT!

Houston cocksucker! 73

“How does Houston hope to defeat me? Allied as I am with the imbecile, the contemptible, and the promiscuous fucking insane.”

Fiers, Anderson, Bassitt; assign the descriptors to taste.

George Hearst The Houston Astros swagger into our one-horse town, foreboding, powerful, a step ahead, holding all the cards.

By which of course I mean: Deadwood returns tonight with a two hour movie, 13 years after David Milch or HBO (pick your villain) cut off the epic series in its prime without warning. Described by one wag like Shakespeare after slamming his dick in a car door, had it been guided to conclusion in a full 5-6-7 season arc, Deadwood might today stand with Breaking Bad among the truly great series.

For the uninitiated…initiate yourselves.

Not without sadness, as the ensuing years have seen David Milch lose his fortune gambling (mostly, ahem, on horses) then develop Alzheimer’s, now in its middle stages. This New Yorker piece is as honest a tale of an artist watching his gifts dissapate as you’ll find. It says a lot that Ian McShane, Timothy Olyphant, Anna Gunn, William Sanderson, and practically the whole fucking original cast came back together so many years later.

Tell him something pretty.

So maybe we’re fucked by the Gods and Sunday finds us dead by sundown, Houston riding a pale horse out of town.

“In life you have to do a lot of things you don’t fucking want to do. Many times, that’s what the fuck life is… one vile fucking task after another.“

"Kraut will get you through times of no money better than money will get you through times of no kraut."

73 thoughts on “Houston cocksucker!

  1. FreeSeatUpgrade FreeSeatUpgrade May 31,2019 5:19 pm

    Friday:

    1. SS Marcus Semien
    2. LF Robbie Grossman
    3. 3B Matt Chapman
    4. 1B Matt Olson
    5. RF Stephen Piscotty
    6. DH Mark Canha
    7. 2B Jurickson Profar
    8. CF Ramon Laureano
    9. C Josh Phegley

    Mike Fiers versus Brad Peacock.

    "Kraut will get you through times of no money better than money will get you through times of no kraut."
  2. FreeSeatUpgrade FreeSeatUpgrade May 31,2019 5:24 pm

    In my memory Brad Peacock got up to the bigs with Oakland, but turns out that’s not the case. We got him from the Nats (with Tommy Milone and Derek Norris) when we dealt Gio, then sent him (and Chris Carter and Max Stassi) to Houston for Jed Lowrie. In between he posted a forgettable 6.01 ERA 1.582 WHIP season in Sacto.

    "Kraut will get you through times of no money better than money will get you through times of no kraut."
  3. AV AV May 31,2019 6:09 pm

    my apartment got broken into…

    they took nothing.

    not sure if to feel lucky or insulted.

    was 800 lbs too much to lift to get 3000 used records out the door? did they not recognize a pair of early 80’s 26 bmx cruisers for the street cred 1 or 2 old timers might give you. did they not see that gold wedding ring gathering dust on the mantle thrown together with the keys of that dead ’76 mercedes, my first diaper pin, and other mementos of past loves?

    *i’m* AV. alex vause. put this loon in psych before she hurts someone.
    • FreeSeatUpgrade FreeSeatUpgrade May 31,2019 6:43 pm || Up

      So they didn’t clean you out?

      "Kraut will get you through times of no money better than money will get you through times of no kraut."
      • AV AV May 31,2019 7:07 pm || Up

        where’s my toiletpaper rose??

        *i’m* AV. alex vause. put this loon in psych before she hurts someone.
    • AV AV Jun 1,2019 9:35 am || Up

      here’s the one that’s puzzling me.

      they didn’t take a new eighth of pre-ground sativa sitting on top of a side table they opened up check inside of.

      *i’m* AV. alex vause. put this loon in psych before she hurts someone.
      • andeux andeux Jun 1,2019 9:45 am || Up

        Straight-edge burglars?
        Or maybe they just prefer indica?

        TINSTAAFK
        • AV AV Jun 3,2019 10:32 am || Up

          has to be the former.

          the booze was left behind too.

          *i’m* AV. alex vause. put this loon in psych before she hurts someone.
  4. FreeSeatUpgrade FreeSeatUpgrade May 31,2019 7:55 pm

    It surprises me to hear Bassitt describe Brett Anderson as the serious non-goofball of the pitching staff.

    "Kraut will get you through times of no money better than money will get you through times of no kraut."
  5. andeux andeux May 31,2019 8:02 pm

    Do we feel good about all the baserunners we’ve had, or bad because we haven’t capitalized?

    TINSTAAFK
  6. FreeSeatUpgrade FreeSeatUpgrade May 31,2019 8:13 pm

    Chaptain Fantastic!

    "Kraut will get you through times of no money better than money will get you through times of no kraut."
  7. andeux andeux May 31,2019 8:31 pm

    What was that about Phegley’s defense?

    TINSTAAFK
  8. FreeSeatUpgrade FreeSeatUpgrade May 31,2019 8:31 pm

    Nice inning for Phegley out there!

    "Kraut will get you through times of no money better than money will get you through times of no kraut."
  9. FreeSeatUpgrade FreeSeatUpgrade May 31,2019 8:37 pm

    Have we seen the full range of awkward Tony Kemp slides yet?

    "Kraut will get you through times of no money better than money will get you through times of no kraut."
  10. FreeSeatUpgrade FreeSeatUpgrade May 31,2019 8:49 pm

    Hell, I might’ve been OK getting Bregman out three times all weekend.

    "Kraut will get you through times of no money better than money will get you through times of no kraut."
  11. lenscrafters May 31,2019 9:13 pm

    I’m struggling to understand why Grossman gets as much playing time as he does.

  12. 5Aces 5Aces May 31,2019 9:14 pm

    Horrible route on that.

    Camelot sure fell apart, didn't it? -Steve McCatty
  13. FreeSeatUpgrade FreeSeatUpgrade Jun 1,2019 9:14 am

    Well at least the Deadwood movie was good.

    "Kraut will get you through times of no money better than money will get you through times of no kraut."
    • ptbnl Jun 2,2019 3:30 pm || Up

      I think it benefited from GoT have been so godawful, setting the bar low.

      It went from sepia- to rose-tinted, and ended up like a Greatest Hits reunion tour.

      If this is His will, He's a son of a bitch.
      • FreeSeatUpgrade FreeSeatUpgrade Jun 2,2019 6:27 pm || Up

        I disagree on the GoT finale, but I think both illustrate the same point, that a long serial allows patient development of characters and arcs, while wrapping it all up at film length by its nature compresses everyone together and can’t really do well by any of ’em.

        "Kraut will get you through times of no money better than money will get you through times of no kraut."
        • AV AV Jun 3,2019 10:29 am || Up

          my favorite part of GoT ending were the tidy life-summation scenes.

          john snow…

          saved brooke shields from drowning. blew reward money hiring van halen to play his birthday party.

          *i’m* AV. alex vause. put this loon in psych before she hurts someone.
  14. Glorious Mundy Glorious Mundy Jun 1,2019 11:55 am

    in case you were wondering the pregame concert for the champs league final is awful

  15. ptbnl Jun 1,2019 12:05 pm

    Come on you FKing Reds!

    If this is His will, He's a son of a bitch.
  16. ptbnl Jun 1,2019 12:50 pm

    They all look like they haven’t played in 3 weeks.

    If this is His will, He's a son of a bitch.
  17. ptbnl Jun 1,2019 1:40 pm

    This is pretty dire stuff.

    If this is His will, He's a son of a bitch.
  18. ptbnl Jun 1,2019 2:20 pm

    I’ll more than happily take it, but both teams were very poor.

    If this is His will, He's a son of a bitch.
    • Future Ed Future Ed Jun 1,2019 4:24 pm || Up

      had to follow on the guardian’s live feed. They we bagging on both teams the whole time

      I have $5. No I don\'t.
  19. FreeSeatUpgrade FreeSeatUpgrade Jun 1,2019 5:53 pm

    The seagulls have lost their fear of the falcon kites.

    "Kraut will get you through times of no money better than money will get you through times of no kraut."
  20. Future Ed Future Ed Jun 1,2019 7:40 pm

    Anderson is way better than verlander

    I have $5. No I don\'t.
  21. Future Ed Future Ed Jun 1,2019 7:53 pm

    that was a balk

    I have $5. No I don\'t.
  22. Future Ed Future Ed Jun 1,2019 7:57 pm

    I don’t think I have seen anderson yell at an umpire like he did walking back to the dugout

    I have $5. No I don\'t.
  23. andeux andeux Jun 1,2019 8:13 pm

    Olson owes Brett a couple of runs.

    TINSTAAFK
    • FreeSeatUpgrade FreeSeatUpgrade Jun 1,2019 8:24 pm || Up

      Yeah he’s no Phegley.

      "Kraut will get you through times of no money better than money will get you through times of no kraut."
  24. Future Ed Future Ed Jun 1,2019 8:13 pm

    in fairness, this is on laureano

    I have $5. No I don\'t.
  25. Future Ed Future Ed Jun 1,2019 8:15 pm

    Astros numbers are too large and thin

    I have $5. No I don\'t.
  26. Future Ed Future Ed Jun 1,2019 8:16 pm

    anderson made bregman laugh after the inning

    I have $5. No I don\'t.
  27. Glorious Mundy Glorious Mundy Jun 1,2019 8:33 pm

    On radio. How bad was that call?

  28. andeux andeux Jun 1,2019 8:34 pm

    The Semien ball looked foul to me. Braden keeps insisting there was chalk kicking up on the replay, but I didn’t see it (except later when Reddick’s knee hit the line).

    TINSTAAFK
    • Future Ed Future Ed Jun 1,2019 8:37 pm || Up

      I see what he was talking about, but that’s not dispositive

      I have $5. No I don\'t.
      • FreeSeatUpgrade FreeSeatUpgrade Jun 1,2019 8:55 pm || Up

        I was sure it was foul on all except the zoomed in super slow mo view.

        "Kraut will get you through times of no money better than money will get you through times of no kraut."
        • Future Ed Future Ed Jun 1,2019 8:57 pm || Up

          if i read this right i agree. in my opinion, it was more likely foul, but i was less sure with the tighter replays

          I have $5. No I don\'t.
  29. andeux andeux Jun 1,2019 8:35 pm

    Brett is either injured or has just had enough of this shit.

    TINSTAAFK
  30. Soaker Soaker Jun 1,2019 8:40 pm

    I drove home Monday night feeling pretty good. What the FK is going on down there?

    Support locally made sausage!
  31. FreeSeatUpgrade FreeSeatUpgrade Jun 1,2019 8:54 pm

    In case anyone was wondering, the walk along the top row of the third deck from far right to far left is 0.31 miles.

    "Kraut will get you through times of no money better than money will get you through times of no kraut."
  32. Glorious Mundy Glorious Mundy Jun 2,2019 1:02 pm

    The CSN pregame just showed the video of Stew’s one-punch knockout of the Cleveland manager in 1986. I’m trying to imagine what would happen if that went down today.

  33. Glorious Mundy Glorious Mundy Jun 2,2019 1:11 pm

    • Soaker Soaker Jun 2,2019 1:20 pm || Up

      Quite a battle of second basemen coming up next weekend in Texas.

      Profar: 220 PA, .192/.258/.354
      Odor: 174 PA, .161/.231/.327

      Odor is two-plus years into a six-year, $49.5M contract which bought out his arb years and a couple years beyond, and he’s had a couple hot streaks but it has been a lot more suck than production.

      Support locally made sausage!
      • colin colin Jun 2,2019 1:49 pm || Up

        I remember when I was scared that Texas would dominate the AL west for years, partly on the strength of super-prospects Odor and Profar. Didn’t quite work out…

        • Future Ed Future Ed Jun 2,2019 2:33 pm || Up

          Profar is doing alright today

          I have $5. No I don\'t.
  34. andeux andeux Jun 2,2019 4:09 pm

    Wienerschnitzel might want to rethink those “Dogburger, fries, only 4.99” ads.

    TINSTAAFK
  35. lenscrafters Jun 2,2019 4:20 pm

    Throw FKing strikes

  36. lenscrafters Jun 2,2019 4:29 pm

    LOL that Profar throw

  37. andeux andeux Jun 2,2019 4:32 pm

    Bad feeling about this Reddick AB.

    TINSTAAFK
  38. andeux andeux Jun 2,2019 4:34 pm

    Phew.
    OK, one more solo dinger please.

    TINSTAAFK
    • andeux andeux Jun 2,2019 4:46 pm || Up

      The leadoff single was a rally killer.

      TINSTAAFK
  39. Soaker Soaker Jun 2,2019 4:49 pm

    Piscotty was mad about the previous strike three call, not that one. Melvin is mad because his team has been playing like horseshit.

    Support locally made sausage!
    • andeux andeux Jun 2,2019 4:59 pm || Up

      I think Bob is also mad at the awfully quick ejections of his players in close games.

      TINSTAAFK
      • Soaker Soaker Jun 2,2019 5:03 pm || Up

        It doesn’t take long to say four syllables. Plus I thought last night’s ejection of Semien was automatic for arguing after a replay.

        Support locally made sausage!
  40. 5Aces 5Aces Jun 2,2019 4:50 pm

    I tuned in to watch Alan Porter, so Im delighted.

    Camelot sure fell apart, didn't it? -Steve McCatty
  41. Soaker Soaker Jun 2,2019 5:04 pm

    I keep waiting for some poor infielder to lose a pop fly because he gets an eyeful of seagull shit before the ball comes down.

    Support locally made sausage!
  42. lenscrafters Jun 2,2019 5:16 pm

    This is familiar.

  43. andeux andeux Jun 2,2019 5:17 pm

    No Altuve, no Springer, no Correa, so they sweep us with the likes of Myles Straw.

    TINSTAAFK
    • Soaker Soaker Jun 2,2019 6:10 pm || Up

      So I shouldn’t get too fired up about the A’s missing Joey Gallo (and also Mike Minor based on their rotation). My hope rests on Khris having his swing honed by the end of the week and hitting about 7 or 8 homers in the 4 games in Arlington.

      Support locally made sausage!
  44. lenscrafters Jun 2,2019 5:46 pm

    This team has followed a 4 game winning streak by going 1/5, another 4 game winning streak by going 1/5, a 3 game winning streak by a 6 game losing streak, and now a 10 game winning streak by a 5 game losing streak. They’re making it so hard to buy into them.

    • vignette17 Jun 3,2019 1:55 pm || Up

      Amazingly, I feel like this is still a good team. But like late 2014 and 2015, bullpen losses are just sooooo deflating.

Leave a Reply